Do you ever see a hipster’s legs looking so damn svelte in skinny jeans and wonder, “How does he do it?” I know I do; fitting into tight pants takes a lot of work, and concealing all this hard work from the world requires even more effort. Lucky for you, me, and that pudgy poser over there wearing a fanny pack and Christmas knee socks, the veil is finally being lifted from the skinny-jeans secret. With The Hipster’s Guide to Indifferent Exercise, you, too, can get a complete workout without letting on to the world that you’re actually trying. Just to give you a taste of what to expect from this pragmatic column in the weeks to come, let’s start by tackling the three biggest wardrobe issues facing indifferent exercisers today…
- Converted Converse – No one wants to face the shame of being spotted around town in supportive running sneakers, but exercising in Converse All Stars and cowgirl boots has been known to cause injuries. The simple solution is to line your Converse with athletic insoles. Purchase the insoles online or at Target in the dead of night, and no one will ever be able to tell that you’re gellin’. Insider tip: Be sure to dispose of the insole packaging in an inconspicuous manner. Indifferent exercise expert Farthington X suggests, “Take the insole package to your work and put it through your boss’s paper shredder…What’s that? You have a paper shredder at home? Lame.”
- Jeggings – Your first instinct might be to suit up in electric-blue spandex, leg-warmers, and a walkman so you can listen to techno on cassette tape while strolling around the reservoir. BUT, this 80s getup coupled with swift movements is guaranteed to make it look like you’re trying too hard. Instead, opt for acid-wash Jeggings. From far away it will look exactly like you’re wearing skinny jeans and are simply on your way to that “Growing Pains” tribute concert being performed by homeless musicians under the highway overpass. In the inevitable instance that a hater examines your clothing up close, Jeggings make for the perfect ironic getup. I recommend throwing on a puffy-painted T-shirt and constipated scowl for good measure, and then proceeding to secretly enjoy the freedom of motion that these stretch pants in disguise provide.
- Dollar Store Sunglasses – We all love a good pair of Ray Bans, but if you’ve ever been hit in the head with a frisbee or had your shades knocked off by a rogue dodgeball, you know what a dilemma expensive sunglasses can present when worn in the wrong situations. Because exercise exposes you and your clothing to the elements and lots of chance abuses, I recommend stocking up on plastic, neon shades from The Dollar Store. This way, if your sunglasses fall off during a walk through the park or an intense reenactment of “A League of Their Own,” you won’t have to embarrass yourself by bending down to pick them up. In the event that your Dollar Store shades hit the ground, stand by them for a few seconds and pretend to brazenly delete messages on your phone without listening to them; after you’ve let passersby embrace the poetry of this moment, just move on. In the world of indifferent exercise, casualties are inevitable.
Psst: For the record, I am someone who lives in yoga pants and has been known to wear a fanny pack non-ironically on occasion in order to carry dog treats – perhaps this makes the above advice even more entertaining, lame, or offensive, and I’m cool with either scenario. The Hipster’s Guide to Indifferent Exercise will indeed become a weekly column on this blog, but I should note that I do not harbor any particular hatred for hipsters – if anything, I fully support the rare and beautiful way the hipster movement encourages men to spend more time primping than women. As a matter of fact, I got the idea for THGIE while ogling a random hipster’s buns of steel a few weeks ago and decided that delving into the secret behind these seemingly effortless, skinny-jeans-shellacked buns would be a great (albeit rather absurd) way to spend my Thursdays with you darlings. Tune in next week for advice on acting nonplussed when a seagull poops on you in the middle of the Brooklyn Bridge. Leave a comment.