Hipster's Guide to Indifferent Exercise

Pedicured Hipsters

Snow-white legwarmers and perfectly painted toes are an of-the-moment answer to yesterday's skinny jeans and Converse - just wear Jeggings to the nail salon

Have you ever lain awake at night wondering, “What do scissors, nail polish, and skinny jeans have in common?” Well, aside from the fact that they are likely props in a fabulous off-off-Broadway drag show, I ‘m now delighted to fill you in on how they were also a key part of one poor hipster’s near brush with amputation the other night…

So, I was getting a foot massage in a nail salon way across town all on my lonesome (as a general rule one should only get sports massages and related treatments done alone and in a part of town where no one will recognize you), when all of a sudden a vision in an electric-orange fanny pack breezed through the door. She was wearing an “I love lizard-tongued-chemists” t-shirt and had silk flowers glued all over her fanny pack with puffy paint, so I did everything I could to act nonplussed by her impeccably effortless style. When she selected a bottle of toxic-sludge polish and angled herself into the chair next to me without even unzipping the fly on her skinny jeans, however, I couldn’t help letting out a gasp. “Damn, I need to lay off the Tofutti,” I confided, “I mean, you can sit down in your skinny jeans?” She looked at me scornfully, “Of course. Wait a minute, are those Jeggings?”

“No. (Insert long, awkward-ass pause.) Yes…” As I pulled my elastic-waisted pants over my head in shame and slouched down in my massage chair vowing never to make eye contact with this indifferent goddess again, I caught a glimpse of the tragedy that was about to unfold in the foot bath beside mine…This brazen Venus was rolling her skinny jeans up above her calves so she could plop her tootsies in the salt-scrub-filled water, but no more than 30 seconds of soaking passed before the gal’s shins were bright white. Another 30 seconds, and they were a deep purple. The corners of her eyes welled with tears, but she remained calm and refused to say anything until several nail technicians started screaming at each other in Korean, trying with all their might to pull the girl’s skinny jeans back down over her calves. The jeans would not budge, though, and – next thing anyone knew – the salon manager was flying out of the office with a pair of sewing scissors. A few moments later, the hipster goddess’ calves were saved, but she was stuck wearing cut-off clam diggers for the rest of the night.

The salon manager apologized profusely as the girl gathered the denim shreds in her lap. I think he even offered to replace her jeans, but she said, “It’s my fault. I should know better.” And, yeah, not to rub it in or anything, but this is exactly why I keep insisting that Jeggings are a must when exercising or nursing your indifferent-sports injuries at a nail salon across town. Sure, skinny jeans are perfect for parties or for sitting stiffly on a park bench (after a fruit cleanse, when you can actually afford to sit down with your zipper intact), but for getting a pedicure? No one’s calves are that skinny…Psst: Stay posted for our upcoming installment of exercise tips geared toward reducing the size of your calves, looking sexier in Jeggings, and avoiding this hipster’s embarrassing fate the next time you go on a clandestine trip to a nail salon in Kalamazoo, Michigan. Leave a comment.

Image via Pinterest.

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