Snow-white legwarmers and perfectly painted toes are an of-the-moment answer to yesterday’s skinny jeans and Converse – just wear Jeggings to the nail salon
Have you ever lain awake at night wondering, “What do scissors, nail polish, and skinny jeans have in common?” Well, aside from the fact that they are likely props in a fabulous off-off-Broadway drag show, I ‘m now delighted to fill you in on how they were also a key part of one poor hipster’s near brush with amputation the other night…
Work up a sweat in your favorite frames while ditching the fog
Since any hipster would look lost, adrift, and – of course – lame without a big pair of glasses framing their peepers, anti-fog wipes are a must when exercising on cold days. That’s right, wrapping your neon-pink scarf around your mouth and nose while huffing your tuckus over to an abandoned-gas-station concert tends to have an effect that is literally blinding when you don’t take the proper precautions. Lucky for you, however, you wear a fanny pack and you have a convenient place to store countless anti-fog wipes, which you can now use liberally on the go…Damn, you and your bottomless fanny pack have got your shit so together that I would almost swear you were a soccer mom or Mary Poppins. Until next week, happy calorie-burning on the sly, my indifferent darlings! Leave a comment.
Photo via Pinterest.
You, too, can look as svelte and nonchalant as this hipster in disguise
Costumes have rapidly become a compelling branch of indifferent exercise. You may wonder how this is possible, because – by their very nature – clever disguises and costumes require a lot of effort, but there’s something about the anonymity of a mask and the subversive dignity of a well-fitted My Little Pony suit that is making incognito exercise all the rage. It doesn’t hurt that donning full-body costumes while exercising is a royal “screw you” to the mainstream-workout-apparel industry, but for our purposes the hugest benefit of this attire is that it can help us burn off IPAs with the appearance of indifference. Here’s an exercise routine for your apathetic consideration:
In reality this girl is running a marathon, but see how motionless the coffe cup makes her look?
Indifferent exercise tip of the week: Carry a paper cup of coffee on your power walk, and you will look infinitely less active. In fact, studies show that people in tight jeans holding a big paper cup give off the appearance of standing completely still.** Not still enough to actually be made of marble, though, so you won’t look like you’re trying to win a contest for who can freeze the most like an Italian statue. After all, the life of a hipster is not as full of lame, faux artistry as the challenges of America’s Next Top Model. On the contrary, the life and exercise of a hipster is poetry in motion. When done properly all the motion is secret, of course, and this makes you a caffeinated, calorie-burning, ninja poet.
**Who does these studies? I don’t know, and I don’t care. Studies are lame. Do you think studies and exercising are lame? Leave a comment.
Photo from Feelings Might Surface via Pinterest.
Converse experiencing a minor emergency in the name of indifferent exercise
Judging from the title of this post, you may think I’ve scurried off on a tangent and have no intention whatsoever of imparting valuable insight about indifferent exercise today. But, au contraire, the lesser-mentioned bodily functions of the hipster universe are actually a major part of indifferent exercise. You see, when you elect to work out in a more subtle manner than going to a painfully obvious gym, chances are you’re working up a sweat outside and are exposed to all sorts of calls of nature (yours and otherwise). Here are some quick fixes to help keep you burning calories straight on through fields of cow manure, while keeping everyone none the wiser…
Broken neon-green shades are just a casualty of indifferent exercise
Do you ever see a hipster’s legs looking so damn svelte in skinny jeans and wonder, “How does he do it?” I know I do; fitting into tight pants takes a lot of work, and concealing all this hard work from the world requires even more effort. Lucky for you, me, and that pudgy poser over there wearing a fanny pack and Christmas knee socks, the veil is finally being lifted from the skinny-jeans secret. With The Hipster’s Guide to Indifferent Exercise, you, too, can get a complete workout without letting on to the world that you’re actually trying. Just to give you a taste of what to expect from this pragmatic column in the weeks to come, let’s start by tackling the three biggest wardrobe issues facing indifferent exercisers today…