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Hipster’s Guide to Indifferent Exercise

Hipster's Guide to Indifferent Exercise

Pedicured Hipsters

Snow-white legwarmers and perfectly painted toes are an of-the-moment answer to yesterday's skinny jeans and Converse - just wear Jeggings to the nail salon

Have you ever lain awake at night wondering, “What do scissors, nail polish, and skinny jeans have in common?” Well, aside from the fact that they are likely props in a fabulous off-off-Broadway drag show, I ‘m now delighted to fill you in on how they were also a key part of one poor hipster’s near brush with amputation the other night…

So, I was getting a foot massage in a nail salon way across town all on my lonesome (as a general rule one should only get sports massages and related treatments done alone and in a part of town where no one will recognize you), when all of a sudden a vision in an electric-orange fanny pack breezed through the door. She was wearing an “I love lizard-tongued-chemists” t-shirt and had silk flowers glued all over her fanny pack with puffy paint, so I did everything I could to act nonplussed by her impeccably effortless style. When she selected a bottle of toxic-sludge polish and angled herself into the chair next to me without even unzipping the fly on her skinny jeans, however, I couldn’t help letting out a gasp. “Damn, I need to lay off the Tofutti,” I confided, “I mean, you can sit down in your skinny jeans?” She looked at me scornfully, “Of course. Wait a minute, are those Jeggings?”

“No. (Insert long, awkward-ass pause.) Yes…” As I pulled my elastic-waisted pants over my head in shame and slouched down in my massage chair vowing never to make eye contact with this indifferent goddess again, I caught a glimpse of the tragedy that was about to unfold in the foot bath beside mine…This brazen Venus was rolling her skinny jeans up above her calves so she could plop her tootsies in the salt-scrub-filled water, but no more than 30 seconds of soaking passed before the gal’s shins were bright white. Another 30 seconds, and they were a deep purple. The corners of her eyes welled with tears, but she remained calm and refused to say anything until several nail technicians started screaming at each other in Korean, trying with all their might to pull the girl’s skinny jeans back down over her calves. The jeans would not budge, though, and – next thing anyone knew – the salon manager was flying out of the office with a pair of sewing scissors. A few moments later, the hipster goddess’ calves were saved, but she was stuck wearing cut-off clam diggers for the rest of the night.

The salon manager apologized profusely as the girl gathered the denim shreds in her lap. I think he even offered to replace her jeans, but she said, “It’s my fault. I should know better.” And, yeah, not to rub it in or anything, but this is exactly why I keep insisting that Jeggings are a must when exercising or nursing your indifferent-sports injuries at a nail salon across town. Sure, skinny jeans are perfect for parties or for sitting stiffly on a park bench (after a fruit cleanse, when you can actually afford to sit down with your zipper intact), but for getting a pedicure? No one’s calves are that skinny…Psst: Stay posted for our upcoming installment of exercise tips geared toward reducing the size of your calves, looking sexier in Jeggings, and avoiding this hipster’s embarrassing fate the next time you go on a clandestine trip to a nail salon in Kalamazoo, Michigan. Leave a comment.

Image via Pinterest.

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Hipster's Guide to Indifferent Exercise

Hipsters Unleashed

Hipster dog park cartoon by Howard Gindoff, spotted at the Silver Lake Dog Park

Calling all hipsters with a burning desire to exercise your dogs indifferently…Just put on a backwards baseball cap, grab your yellow Walkman and a mason jar of kombucha, and head over to the Silver Lake Dog Park. Said puppy paradise is where I stumbled across this fabulous cartoon by Howard Gindoff today, and I simply couldn’t resist sharing…

I love that this comic is titled "Los Felia: an unnatural attraction to Los Feliz and surrounding neighborhoods." If you're from LA and have seen the droves of hipsters that flock to Los Feliz and Silver Lake, I'm sure you're chuckling along with me...

Psst: For the record, I think running or walking a dog is one of the best ways to get seemingly indifferent exercise, but there really is nothing like an occasional trip to the dog park for a dose of beer sipping, gossiping, and hipster watching. We all must pay homage to the skinny-jeans gods afterwards, however, and burn off all those IPAs by running around town in a giant chicken costume. So, my indifferent darlings, did this Los Felia comic make you scowl ironically while laughing on the inside? Leave a comment.

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Hipster's Guide to Indifferent Exercise

Sweater Equity

Christmas sweatshirt I spotted in hipster-friendly Austin, TX, a year ago

As we all repent from a gluttonous, carb-loading, eggnog-drinking, She&Him-holiday-album-playing jag, there couldn’t be a more perfect time to take a page from the workout books of professional boxers. Although I first praised the benefits of toasty exercise gear in this post about disguises, we don’t always need to power walk in animal costumes in order to enjoy the benefits of sauna-like clothing. In fact, tacky holiday sweaters can prove just as effective as gorilla suits at shedding water weight, and if you pile multiple holiday sweaters on top of each other you’ll have the added bonus of looking like a layer cake of irony. Anyone can peacock around in a Christmas sweater during July after all, so do your great aunt Shelly proud this winter and bust out her poly-blend gifts from 15 Christmases past. You might also consider paying homage to Rocky and the golden year of 1976 by running up and down steep staircases and boxing frozen cow parts in a meat freezer. If exercise montages aren’t your style, you may want to simply accentuate your ironic flair by dressing your Chinese Crested in a candy-cane sweater when you both go for evening strolls. Indifferently yours, Coté…Leave a comment.

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Hipster's Guide to Indifferent Exercise

Foggy

Work up a sweat in your favorite frames while ditching the fog

Since any hipster would look lost, adrift, and – of course – lame without a big pair of glasses framing their peepers, anti-fog wipes are a must when exercising on cold days. That’s right, wrapping your neon-pink scarf around your mouth and nose while huffing your tuckus over to an abandoned-gas-station concert tends to have an effect that is literally blinding when you don’t take the proper precautions. Lucky for you, however, you wear a fanny pack and you have a convenient place to store countless anti-fog wipes, which you can now use liberally on the go…Damn, you and your bottomless fanny pack have got your shit so together that I would almost swear you were a soccer mom or Mary Poppins. Until next week, happy calorie-burning on the sly, my indifferent darlings! Leave a comment.

Photo via Pinterest.

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Hipster's Guide to Indifferent Exercise

Exercise In Disguise

You, too, can look as svelte and nonchalant as this hipster in disguise

Costumes have rapidly become a compelling branch of indifferent exercise. You may wonder how this is possible, because – by their very nature – clever disguises and costumes require a lot of effort, but there’s something about the anonymity of a mask and the subversive dignity of a well-fitted My Little Pony suit that is making incognito exercise all the rage. It doesn’t hurt that donning full-body costumes while exercising is a royal “screw you” to the mainstream-workout-apparel industry, but for our purposes the hugest benefit of this attire is that it can help us burn off IPAs with the appearance of indifference. Here’s an exercise routine for your apathetic consideration:

Get a friend to dress up in a gorilla suit and chase you down the street. This way you’ll both get exercise, but it will be completely passive because you’re being chased. Besides, no one will ever know who’s inside the gorilla suit, and you’ll look so damn awesome in your Jeggings being the one person on the block this gorilla simply can’t resist the urge to chase. I recommend trading off who wears the animal costume just to keep things fresh, and maybe even investing in multiple jungle-inspired disguises (a few other favorites include lions, tigers, and Ernest Hemingway’s mummified corpse). Added bonus: when you wear the gorilla/lion/tiger/Hemingway suit you will sweat a ton, adding to your smelly “air” of indifference and shedding water weight at the same time.

Psst: Have you ever worked out in a costume, or do you plan to do so sometime in the near future? Are there any other full-body costumes that you anticipate taking the indifferent exercise world by storm? I would love to hear from you! Leave a comment.

Photo from F* Yeah Sexy Hipster Guys via Pinterest.

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Hipster's Guide to Indifferent Exercise, Sweet Nothings

Coffee In Motion

In reality this girl is running a marathon, but see how motionless the coffe cup makes her look?

Indifferent exercise tip of the week: Carry a paper cup of coffee on your power walk, and you will look infinitely less active. In fact, studies show that people in tight jeans holding a big paper cup give off the appearance of standing completely still.** Not still enough to actually be made of marble, though, so you won’t look like you’re trying to win a contest for who can freeze the most like an Italian statue. After all, the life of a hipster is not as full of lame, faux artistry as the challenges of America’s Next Top Model. On the contrary, the life and exercise of a hipster is poetry in motion. When done properly all the motion is secret, of course, and this makes you a caffeinated, calorie-burning, ninja poet.

**Who does these studies? I don’t know, and I don’t care.  Studies are lame. Do you think studies and exercising are lame? Leave a comment.

Photo from Feelings Might Surface via Pinterest.

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Hipster's Guide to Indifferent Exercise, Sweet Nothings

Every Hipster Poops

Converse experiencing a minor emergency in the name of indifferent exercise

Judging from the title of this post, you may think I’ve scurried off on a tangent and have no intention whatsoever of imparting valuable insight about indifferent exercise today. But, au contraire, the lesser-mentioned bodily functions of the hipster universe are actually a major part of indifferent exercise. You see, when you elect to work out in a more subtle manner than going to a painfully obvious gym, chances are you’re working up a sweat outside and are exposed to all sorts of calls of nature (yours and otherwise). Here are some quick fixes to help keep you burning calories straight on through fields of cow manure, while keeping everyone none the wiser…

  • G-Pee-S – Let’s just start by getting this deep, dark, hipster secret right out there in the open: one of the perils of wearing vacuum-tight pants and drinking nothing but coffee is that we need to pee all the frickin’ time. And yet, you never see hipsters waiting with the masses in long bathroom lines. This is because any skinny-jeans wearer worth their salt knows where all the off-the-beaten-path bathrooms are. Many experts use apps, such as SitOrSquat and Have2P, to help them find obscure bathrooms. So, remember to bring your smart phone with you when indifferently exercising. Added bonus: If anyone spots you in a random bathroom along a running trail, you can just tell them you’re scoping it out so you can come back at 3 a.m. and tag it with your street-art signature of a fang-toothed baby in a business suit eating a hamburger.
  • You Really Stepped In It – Stepping in animal feces is gross for everyone, but you’re not just anyone and you don’t need to bore all the adoring people who watch your live webcam every second of the day by having a pat reaction to your poop-laden missteps. I recommend remaining stone faced even after you realize your predicament, and walking several yards away from the scene of the accident. Once a safe distance, hop onto a patch of grass, blast “Groove Is In The Heart” as loudly as possible from your phone, and start doing the moon walk. It may feel like you’re causing a spectacle, but you’re just boldly mixing a counterintuitive 80s dance move with a hit song of the 90s. Own it. And, when all the poop is gone from the bottom of your shoe, go carve the words “Latoya Jackson was here” into a neighboring tree.
  • For The Birds – There are few things worse than being pooped on by a bird. If you’re lucky and the bird hits your puffy-painted shirt, no problem – no one will ever know the difference. If the bird sullies your shoe, however, I recommend calmly making your way to the nearest puddle. Just stand there for a while letting the water work its magic, wet toes be damned. The beauty of this tactic is: you get to be that bad ass who doesn’t even notice his shoe is in a puddle. Samuel L. Jackson will want to be you.

Psst: In case you missed last week’s tips about indifferent exercise, you can check them out here. Do you have any other secrets that may be useful to coffee drinkers in tight pants? Any specific mysteries of hipster exercise you’d like to see exposed in the weeks to come? Leave a comment.

By the by, the untainted version of the image above can be found on Estonian Style.

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Hipster's Guide to Indifferent Exercise, Sweet Nothings

The Hipster’s Guide to Indifferent Exercise

Broken neon-green shades are just a casualty of indifferent exercise

Do you ever see a hipster’s legs looking so damn svelte in skinny jeans and wonder, “How does he do it?” I know I do; fitting into tight pants takes a lot of work, and concealing all this hard work from the world requires even more effort. Lucky for you, me, and that pudgy poser over there wearing a fanny pack and Christmas knee socks, the veil is finally being lifted from the skinny-jeans secret. With The Hipster’s Guide to Indifferent Exercise, you, too, can get a complete workout without letting on to the world that you’re actually trying. Just to give you a taste of what to expect from this pragmatic column in the weeks to come, let’s start by tackling the three biggest wardrobe issues facing indifferent exercisers today…

  • Converted Converse – No one wants to face the shame of being spotted around town in supportive running sneakers, but exercising in Converse All Stars and cowgirl boots has been known to cause injuries. The simple solution is to line your Converse with athletic insoles. Purchase the insoles online or at Target in the dead of night, and no one will ever be able to tell that you’re gellin’. Insider tip: Be sure to dispose of the insole packaging in an inconspicuous manner. Indifferent exercise expert Farthington X suggests, “Take the insole package to your work and put it through your boss’s paper shredder…What’s that? You have a paper shredder at home? Lame.”
  • Jeggings – Your first instinct might be to suit up in electric-blue spandex, leg-warmers, and a walkman so you can listen to techno on cassette tape while strolling around the reservoir. BUT, this 80s getup coupled with swift movements is guaranteed to make it look like you’re trying too hard. Instead, opt for acid-wash Jeggings. From far away it will look exactly like you’re wearing skinny jeans and are simply on your way to that “Growing Pains” tribute concert being performed by homeless musicians under the highway overpass. In the inevitable instance that a hater examines your clothing up close, Jeggings make for the perfect ironic getup. I recommend throwing on a puffy-painted T-shirt and constipated scowl for good measure, and then proceeding to secretly enjoy the freedom of motion that these stretch pants in disguise provide.
  • Dollar Store Sunglasses – We all love a good pair of Ray Bans, but if you’ve ever been hit in the head with a frisbee or had your shades knocked off by a rogue dodgeball, you know what a dilemma expensive sunglasses can present when worn in the wrong situations. Because exercise exposes you and your clothing to the elements and lots of chance abuses, I recommend stocking up on plastic, neon shades from The Dollar Store. This way, if your sunglasses fall off during a walk through the park or an intense reenactment of “A League of Their Own,” you won’t have to embarrass yourself by bending down to pick them up. In the event that your Dollar Store shades hit the ground, stand by them for a few seconds and pretend to brazenly delete messages on your phone without listening to them; after you’ve let passersby embrace the poetry of this moment, just move on. In the world of indifferent exercise, casualties are inevitable.

Psst: For the record, I am someone who lives in yoga pants and has been known to wear a fanny pack non-ironically on occasion in order to carry dog treats – perhaps this makes the above advice even more entertaining, lame, or offensive, and I’m cool with either scenario. The Hipster’s Guide to Indifferent Exercise will indeed become a weekly column on this blog, but I should note that I do not harbor any particular hatred for hipsters – if anything, I fully support the rare and beautiful way the hipster movement encourages men to spend more time primping than women. As a matter of fact, I got the idea for THGIE while ogling a random hipster’s buns of steel a few weeks ago and decided that delving into the secret behind these seemingly effortless, skinny-jeans-shellacked buns would be a great (albeit rather absurd) way to spend my Thursdays with you darlings. Tune in next week for advice on acting nonplussed when a seagull poops on you in the middle of the Brooklyn Bridge. Leave a comment.

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